Dear Father...

Father, of course you hear me. Even after so many weeks, months, maybe even years of silence from me, of course you hear me. Of course you have been listening to my cries and small prayers... waiting for me to come back to you.
One thing I realize that was missing from my life, by looking at my old blog entries, is that I no longer write the way I used to. Writing was a connection to you. I was never really speaking to myself... and I remember the time I said I would no longer write "dear diary", but would actually make every diary entry a letter to you.
Thank you for your faithfulness.
I feel that I have fallen astray...
but, Lord, you hold me regardless.
I have experienced and learned many things of the world.
I've experienced stupidity, carelessness, hurt, anxiety, depression, anger, worry... so many things I had never known very well before.
Everything is in your hands.
Just as Claude Reed said, nothing is a mistake... everything happens for a reason.
Father, I trust in you and I trust that you are in charge of my life.
Help me right the wrongs.
Help me forgive.
Help me learn.
Help me commit myself to your path for me.
Help me remember your love and your son, Jesus Christ.
Thank you for reminding me of compassion and love.
For showing me how much I love children and how much I love to help others.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to lend a helping hand.
It made my spirit smile and jump for joy...
Lead me to a clean life.

Lord, I put my academics in your hands.
I have messed-up my perfect standing, again.
I wanted so badly to get a 4.0, to do the best I possibly could...
but, along the way, I ruined it. As I always do.
Father, it was never by my strength, but by yours alone...
You got me through every year of my life, every struggle, every tear.
Father, let me be a testimony of your love, compassion, forgiveness, faithfulness.
Father, yes, You are my Father.
Let me not forget.
Father, I learned about faithfulness... how important it is. How much love is entwined with faithfulness. How painfully someone could get hurt when faithfulness is not there.
David hurt me so badly when I learned of his unfaithfulness...
Father... but, thank you. Thank you for staying faithful...
but, it is in Your nature. It is You. I will never worry that You will stop loving me or that You will abuse me.
Father, You know of all that has happened in my life because I had gone astray.
Because I had not listened to you, because I had not been careful enough.
Father, I wonder. Was this avoidable?
Did you put me here?
Yes, all things are in your plans, I know this to be true.................
though, Father, in the future... I want to go the best possible way.

I pray to you about my future.
I place my future in Your hands. Father, You know of my desire to act... to perform...
To be ACTIVE, to be ALIVE, to be MOTIVATED, to be GREAT, to honor YOUR NAME, to HELP OTHERS.
Guide me to be a vessel that can carry all these traits and more...
let me be a vessel of LOVE of the LOVE of CHRIST!!!!!!
Thank you, for telling me again of your great Love and Faithfulness.
Thank you for your son... who prays for me when I can't.
Thank you for your perfect plan for me.
Father, in the days to come, I pray that you will give me peace so that I may rest...

In Your Precious Son's Name, Jesus Christ.
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen!!

On September 14th, 2009 I found pictures of my then boyfriend with his ex-girlfriend.
The pictures clearly depicted that they were closer than just "friends".

I want to tell my story... yes, I am hurt, but God has truly shown me He is in control.

I met my former boyfriend November 2006.
I had just gotten out of a serious relationship and was looking to have some fun.
I was hanging out with a bunch of friends and my former bf (fbf) was a friend of a friend.
In the back of my mind, I knew he had a gf, but I got so drunk and ditched my morals.
We held hands and kissed that night.
We stayed outside, walking around, even when the others had left, soon morning arrived and the alcohol had worn-off. But, he still wanted to be around me.

A few days later I called him to apologize, telling him I didn't mean to lead him on and to excuse my actions. He had told his gf that he cheated on her and he broke it off with her, although she was willing to forgive him.

He began to pursue me and wanted to have a relationship with me.
I told him that I wasn't in the position to start something.
He didn't take no for an answer and I began to fall for him slowly.
By December, he asked me to be his gf.
Throughout our relationships, there have been many warnings.
One of his close friends told me he was cheating.
My friend that introduced me to him told me he was cheating.
His roommate told me he was cheating.
My best friend told me not to date someone with a cheating past.

Everytime I confronted him, he denied it.
He told me to always come to him to make sure it wasn't just a rumor or a jealous friend.
That we should keep it between us and how could I trust someone else over my own bf?
There were many signs and I always confronted him about them.
He always told me they were lies and that I was over-reacting.

For three years.
For three years he cheated on me.
Not only with his ex-girlfriend, but with other girls, as well.

I remember the first time someone told me that he was cheating.
I told myself that I deserved it.
He cheated on his ex-girlfriend with me.
How could I be in a blessed relationship with someone, when we started off on the wrong foot?
And now I know.
It's true.
God is a just God.
I was always sorry to that ex-girlfriend, but who's truly the sorry one?
I was in a relationship with a man that was cheating on me the entire time.
With the same girlfriend that I thought I had wronged.
And she knew all along.

I'm so hurt, right now.
And he's so sorry because he says he loves me.
That he realizes that he was so wrong to have done that to me.
I'm trying to forgive him. Trying not to make his life harder than it already is...
His family is struggling financially and he's commuting from NJ to NY for school.
He's tired.
He's distraught.
And I'm so hurt.

He's lied to me so much.
He told me that a relationship is built on trust.
That I must always be open and honest to him.
And I gave him my heart.
I truly made an effort to be good to him.

I trusted him with my everything.
I wasn't supposd to do.
I can only trust God with my everything.
So, I did learn that I can never put my life in someone else besides God.
My fbf told me that I can rely on him, I can trust him, that he loves me and would not hurt me.
He even used to tell me that he's been so faithful to me, so how can I try to leave him?
I tried leaving him so many times because the relationship was so tough.

I can forgive him.
Although, it's hard.
He wants to change.
He's sorry.
He believes in God.
He knows he must start his change with God.

How do I approach this?
I am so torn
So hurt
So confused
In a way though, I feel like my heart can be healed if I speak to my fbf.
But that must be wrong, too.
That would mean I'm relying on him again.
Shouldn't I be looking towards God to heal my hurt?
Isn't it time that I put my trust in God alone?
And invest my life in the kingdom of Heaven?

Please, Father.
Help me.
Come to me, Lord, for I am weak and stupid.

:'(

Smoking is a bad habit that can be kicked through hard work and determination. It's not easy, there may be many failed attempts, but keeping your mind on any goal will help you stay focused. How much do you want to quit? It's all on you.

   

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