Dear Lord,
All I want do is hear you. I'm not trying enough and I don't amount to anything. I'm so confused, Lord. I don't know what choices to make. I struggle with so many silly things. Do I eat more? Will I regret it? To even larger things that will probably stay with me for the rest of my life. Or so I hear...
Father? I can't find my bible. I haven't tried hard to find it. Aren't I always looking for you to give me a get out of jail card? That's the way I live. That's my flaw. I love to be loved, Father. I love the immediate satisfaction, the immediate care and the immediate warmth I get from the man in my life. It's such a struggle to find a balance and it's so complicated trying to love. Father, I haven't spoken to you in so long, but you are calling to me arent you? You're not punishing me for being a bad child, are you? How can I hear you? How can I feel you? Surely, I do feel like a child and I know all the right answers, dont I? I can convince anyone that I know you are with me, but I don't know everything. I haven't experienced much to be spirtiually mature. I thought I was at times. I guess I've always been afraid to flatter myself. Humbleness is what you love... I'm a bad girl, Father. I did many bad things in my life and I don't know how to deal with it. I also don't know what's good for me. I'm scared to be a failure. I'm scared I won't meet my potential or meet the possible vision you have for me. Father, how do I possess it? Pastor says it's already in my hands, but I can't feel it right now.
I have so many issues in my life. This past sermon was... turn your worries into prayers and you really will be enjoying immanuel, praying continuously... I forgot that message for a couple of days now. I reallyreallyreally don't speak to you. I forgot what you sound like. I don't even hear the conversations I used to have with you. GET AWAY SATAN IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRISTTTTTTTTTT! WHO bothers me and keeps me away from my precious, Father and my true love! Father, prepare me to be a bride in waiting of Jesus Christ... let your son be my ultimate prize. The salvation that has been given to me and not my greatest human desire to be married perfectly and taken care of...
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