ilovetowhisper on Revelife

Weblog

Monday, 10 May 2010

Left-Behind

The years of life pass
Only to be left-behind

Enemy Time...
Edging closer to the end
When the world's gone
And there's nothing to show for

A day of nothingness.
Another attempt.
Another failure.
Another day
in bed.

Overcome by weakness
Dried of confidence once possessed
To have been somewhere.
To have done something.

Can't even string a sentence together.
Can't even clean my own room.
Can't even finish one class assignment.

Mentally fading into the earth
Falling sinking no longer living

Saturday, 01 May 2010

To Who's Glory?

I am 21 years old.
I have lived 21 years.
In these 21 years in my life, it's not about what I have done.
In all honesty, I have done nothing in my life.
I have accomplished nothing.
But, it's not even about me. It's not even about what I have or haven't done or accomplished.
Some weeks or months ago, I was feeling depressed because I had so many hopes and dreams for my future
and envisioned myself to have done "something great", by now.
I had forgotten that it was all about God.
Not about what I could have achieved.
If I do anything, it's to God's glory. I need to come back to God and come back to the right heart and mindset.
I need Him to teach me to be humble and to glorify Him, alone.
I don't even know what tomorrow will be like.

I've been too lost in my own thoughts these past few months.
Too lost in the hurt I had been feeling after finding out about David.
Too lost in MY life.
Too lost in the circumstances I was in.
I was OVERCOME by MY life.
It wasn't about God anymore... it was me crying to Him to save me and make sense of the life that I had brought myself to.
The destruction I had put on myself because I chose to live it the way I BELIEVED to be right.

Throughout my life, as growing up in a Christian family & with Christian friends...
I was surrounded by all these people sharing their testimonies... I would be touched and want what they had.
I wanted a personal encounter with God, I wanted to be saved like they were and changed like they were.
I had such a blessed childhood, I always knew God and knew that Jesus loved me and saved me...
but, I never had a particular "moment" where I suddenly felt "changed"...
the testimonies I hear would go like this... "me" at center --> hit rock-bottom --> hardship --> God --> Christ --> then, the "change" and "I've never turned back since" or "God has remained faithful"
Up until this point in my life, there had never been a moment where I faced true personal hardship... I always wondered what my life testimony would be...
it's like I was waiting for the "moment"... in a way, though, when I had the moment...
I was able to recognize it at least... since, I didn't have it before...
perhaps, the testimonies of our lives...
is simple.
and they're all the same, aren't they?
We get lost in our lives or our circumstances, feel overwhelmed...
and God saves us, by Christ's sacrifice.
He shows us mercy and unending love... gives us a second chance at life, when in reality we're all sinners.
And me, I'm a murderer, slanderer, adulteress... selfish, unkind, judging, lying, cheating...

It's so true...
our true colors... they're evil.
Our thoughts, they're filthy.
I'm so dirty inside, my life is a mess, I'm corrupt... but, Christ's blood...
Christ's ransom for me... THAT is enough.
And as simple as that... I'm forgiven and loved... unconditionally...

To this day, I am still full of lies.
I am hiding... I am in the darkness...
When will I come out of hiding? And show Christ in me to the world?
When will I not be ashamed of saving every person I see?
What am I hiding from? Why do I conceal my true colors of Christ?
Why don't I help, when I want to help?
Why am I too shy to let Christ's love overflow to the people I meet?
I feel so sad inside when I don't smile or help or love...
I want to share Christ's love... it's overflowing in me... isn't it?
Isn't Christ enough.
Christ is enough... so why am I being selfish?
Why aren't I sharing the blessing of the Word of God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God!
Please, help me to share Your love.
Christ's love.
Your son, the ransom... for our lives...
What must I do?

I've gotta stop thinking about myself and start thinking of others.
I must be the lowest...
I must serve with all that I have...
with all of my heart.
It feels so good to say this.
To know in my heart that this is how I must be...
now if I can only have FAITH.
FAITH AND GOOD DEEDS.
...
^{James 14}What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? ¹⁵Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. ¹⁶If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? ¹⁷In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

Love & Faithfulness

Dear Father...

Father, of course you hear me. Even after so many weeks, months, maybe even years of silence from me, of course you hear me. Of course you have been listening to my cries and small prayers... waiting for me to come back to you.
One thing I realize that was missing from my life, by looking at my old blog entries, is that I no longer write the way I used to. Writing was a connection to you. I was never really speaking to myself... and I remember the time I said I would no longer write "dear diary", but would actually make every diary entry a letter to you.
Thank you for your faithfulness.
I feel that I have fallen astray...
but, Lord, you hold me regardless.
I have experienced and learned many things of the world.
I've experienced stupidity, carelessness, hurt, anxiety, depression, anger, worry... so many things I had never known very well before.
Everything is in your hands.
Just as Claude Reed said, nothing is a mistake... everything happens for a reason.
Father, I trust in you and I trust that you are in charge of my life.
Help me right the wrongs.
Help me forgive.
Help me learn.
Help me commit myself to your path for me.
Help me remember your love and your son, Jesus Christ.
Thank you for reminding me of compassion and love.
For showing me how much I love children and how much I love to help others.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to lend a helping hand.
It made my spirit smile and jump for joy...
Lead me to a clean life.

Lord, I put my academics in your hands.
I have messed-up my perfect standing, again.
I wanted so badly to get a 4.0, to do the best I possibly could...
but, along the way, I ruined it. As I always do.
Father, it was never by my strength, but by yours alone...
You got me through every year of my life, every struggle, every tear.
Father, let me be a testimony of your love, compassion, forgiveness, faithfulness.
Father, yes, You are my Father.
Let me not forget.
Father, I learned about faithfulness... how important it is. How much love is entwined with faithfulness. How painfully someone could get hurt when faithfulness is not there.
David hurt me so badly when I learned of his unfaithfulness...
Father... but, thank you. Thank you for staying faithful...
but, it is in Your nature. It is You. I will never worry that You will stop loving me or that You will abuse me.
Father, You know of all that has happened in my life because I had gone astray.
Because I had not listened to you, because I had not been careful enough.
Father, I wonder. Was this avoidable?
Did you put me here?
Yes, all things are in your plans, I know this to be true.................
though, Father, in the future... I want to go the best possible way.

I pray to you about my future.
I place my future in Your hands. Father, You know of my desire to act... to perform...
To be ACTIVE, to be ALIVE, to be MOTIVATED, to be GREAT, to honor YOUR NAME, to HELP OTHERS.
Guide me to be a vessel that can carry all these traits and more...
let me be a vessel of LOVE of the LOVE of CHRIST!!!!!!
Thank you, for telling me again of your great Love and Faithfulness.
Thank you for your son... who prays for me when I can't.
Thank you for your perfect plan for me.
Father, in the days to come, I pray that you will give me peace so that I may rest...

In Your Precious Son's Name, Jesus Christ.
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen!!

Friday, 02 October 2009

To forgive is to forget...

To truly forgive, I must forget.
Honestly accept David's apology.
And yes he's human.
There's a chance he'll do it again and there's a chance he wont.
But to forgive, I must let go of what he has done in the past.
Dont bring it up any longer.
And don't let it effect me.
Don't be suspicious, don't assume or expect anything.

Today it helped to think of him as I would think of a friend.
And not be uptight about who he might be texting with or what he might've been doing.
When it's a friend, I don't worry about those things.
What they do is what they do.
What they choose to tell me is what I will hear.
I don't need to be anxious and play guessing games.
Just chill out... you know. Be cool, be free of worries.

And yes, it hurt me, but I won't let myself hurt any longer.
It's pointless.
I must forgive.

Just let it go, Julie...

: )

Free yourself from the pain...
Don't mourn any longer.
Don't complain or accuse.
Let Jesus empower you.
Let him heal you.
Openly accept and receive the love that he offers.
The home, the security, his acceptance of me.
Just as I am.
Thank you, Jesus!
And thank you God for loving me.
And giving me life to know of this love.

Thursday, 01 October 2009

How to Forgive

On September 14th, 2009 I found pictures of my then boyfriend with his ex-girlfriend.
The pictures clearly depicted that they were closer than just "friends".

I want to tell my story... yes, I am hurt, but God has truly shown me He is in control.

I met my former boyfriend November 2006.
I had just gotten out of a serious relationship and was looking to have some fun.
I was hanging out with a bunch of friends and my former bf (fbf) was a friend of a friend.
In the back of my mind, I knew he had a gf, but I got so drunk and ditched my morals.
We held hands and kissed that night.
We stayed outside, walking around, even when the others had left, soon morning arrived and the alcohol had worn-off. But, he still wanted to be around me.

A few days later I called him to apologize, telling him I didn't mean to lead him on and to excuse my actions. He had told his gf that he cheated on her and he broke it off with her, although she was willing to forgive him.

He began to pursue me and wanted to have a relationship with me.
I told him that I wasn't in the position to start something.
He didn't take no for an answer and I began to fall for him slowly.
By December, he asked me to be his gf.
Throughout our relationships, there have been many warnings.
One of his close friends told me he was cheating.
My friend that introduced me to him told me he was cheating.
His roommate told me he was cheating.
My best friend told me not to date someone with a cheating past.

Everytime I confronted him, he denied it.
He told me to always come to him to make sure it wasn't just a rumor or a jealous friend.
That we should keep it between us and how could I trust someone else over my own bf?
There were many signs and I always confronted him about them.
He always told me they were lies and that I was over-reacting.

For three years.
For three years he cheated on me.
Not only with his ex-girlfriend, but with other girls, as well.

I remember the first time someone told me that he was cheating.
I told myself that I deserved it.
He cheated on his ex-girlfriend with me.
How could I be in a blessed relationship with someone, when we started off on the wrong foot?
And now I know.
It's true.
God is a just God.
I was always sorry to that ex-girlfriend, but who's truly the sorry one?
I was in a relationship with a man that was cheating on me the entire time.
With the same girlfriend that I thought I had wronged.
And she knew all along.

I'm so hurt, right now.
And he's so sorry because he says he loves me.
That he realizes that he was so wrong to have done that to me.
I'm trying to forgive him. Trying not to make his life harder than it already is...
His family is struggling financially and he's commuting from NJ to NY for school.
He's tired.
He's distraught.
And I'm so hurt.

He's lied to me so much.
He told me that a relationship is built on trust.
That I must always be open and honest to him.
And I gave him my heart.
I truly made an effort to be good to him.

I trusted him with my everything.
I wasn't supposd to do.
I can only trust God with my everything.
So, I did learn that I can never put my life in someone else besides God.
My fbf told me that I can rely on him, I can trust him, that he loves me and would not hurt me.
He even used to tell me that he's been so faithful to me, so how can I try to leave him?
I tried leaving him so many times because the relationship was so tough.

I can forgive him.
Although, it's hard.
He wants to change.
He's sorry.
He believes in God.
He knows he must start his change with God.

How do I approach this?
I am so torn
So hurt
So confused
In a way though, I feel like my heart can be healed if I speak to my fbf.
But that must be wrong, too.
That would mean I'm relying on him again.
Shouldn't I be looking towards God to heal my hurt?
Isn't it time that I put my trust in God alone?
And invest my life in the kingdom of Heaven?

Please, Father.
Help me.
Come to me, Lord, for I am weak and stupid.

:'(